"And Miles to go Before I Rest"
Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in the "plasma08" journal:
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8am Start with emails, down email service, so very delayed
9am run out to pick up laundry, leave for first appointment, forgetting hair product
10am arrive early, get hair product, coffee, get ready for appointment
1030am appointment for big customer that direct guy was/is trying to take from me. We were suppose to communicate, but he left me out of the latest developments entirely. I have to backswim while trying to show my relevance. I can answer a dynamics weighting model they have which gives me some credibility.
1130am I get a lunch
1230am still no reply on my 10,000 pc opportunity prototype that did not ship friday, and did not ship yesterday, and was supposed to ship today
Urgent appointment for some ballscrews
Urgent quote for another 10,000 pc opportunity
Get up to speed about the appointment that was taking direct, find out how unhelpful the other guy was
145pm As I am sending an email for the urgent new 10,000 opportunity my computer battery dies. fuck
Plug in, send email
Call again for update on important prototype. There is another goddamn snag. They don't know how to put them together. This is like staying up the night before an exam then realizing you don't know how to do it. DO IT FUCKING EARLY. ITS IMPORTANT. I don't know why they aren't spending 12 hours a day on just this project. It is that important. They finally ship it incomplete. Fucking incompetent.
300pm Appointment for another large order. Relay how late our factory is, push for advanced order, get pushback. I wanted to be smoother but had to get out the door for my next appointment.
322pm drive fast
352pm arrive for CCB just in time
425pm drive to meet mom
426pm call the direct guy to chat. Leave voicemail.
430pm Call to follow up the urgent quote for 10,000pc opportunity. My distributor says they are busy and will get to it in the morning. IT IS IMPORTANT. FUCKING DO IT RIGHT NOW
434pm get gas
435pm arrive with mom. Book plane ticket that is due today that I still haven't
503pm run into Dennis H. and still brief because I am just moving too fast. I need to calm down and have time for people.
See horse stable
Hang out with Josh and Megan and Connie and mom. Mind is racing too much to truly be present and engage in conversation. It's the last I get to see my mom for awhile. I am sad that it went by so fast and I didn't get to slow down. I'm too tired. And I'm still up late. I'm just trying to recharge however I can.
900pm everyone goes home
10:15 Get home, still angry from all day. need the gym
10:25pm leave to run to the gym
10:35pm at the gym, not done running, keep going faster.
Run 4 miles, end at the gym
11:06pm start the heavy lifting. A guy steals my 5 lb weights right off my bench while I was using them. What a dick. They were the only 5 lb weights around.
11:45 get back home. Kathryn wakes up, and I rub her.
12:01am LJ. City Hall turns off from the devilish red it was glowing tonight. Incensing me further.
I still need to shower and nap.
Tomorrow we leave at 630am.
And miles to go before I sleep.
Rough day. Just every time I needed something, somebody drops the ball. I cursed a lot. So much incompetence.
Listening to: Mudvayne, Disturbed, Evanescence, Stone Sour
The world is a little sadder tonight with out my little buddy. We have loved playing and chasing with him. I cried a lot. I shouted. I've been angry, and mad. I've bargained. His time was too short.
It's a rough and busy week. With finals on Saturday, my boss in town on Thursday and Friday, marketing report due on Monday, and Dewey passing on Tuesday, and Holiday party on Wednesday. Dewey is more important than the others, but the wheels keep on turning.
K starts her new job, but it is in an office. I see how it is.
I am sad and angry, and worn out. I will be ready for vacation. Ready for some peace. I am sad to see it go, and the end of good things are always painful. But I believe life is short but sweet. We are guaranteed nothing, so we must take it in while it lasts and enjoy the ride. I feel guilty for the little time I spent with him. Days counted outed of his short 7 years. Not enough. It never is.
But he had a good life, he lived well, he brought joy to us. I am thankful.
Now to sweet peace of sleep. Goodnight world.
It has been a long time lj.
I would like to reflect more. And perhaps post my reflections. I would like a journal, and this is the most comprehensive one I have.
I read an article today How to Win at Life
Very motivating, blah blah blah, but it charged me to write down my goals and work at them. I haven't done that in awhile. I couldn't even tell you what they are really. And as I begin my MBA I recognize that it is critical to have my elevator speech prepared. Not just for others, but for me. An elevator speech captures succinctly what I am trying to accomplish and what I can offer. Why don't I have a good answer to that question?
My classes do not seem too difficult, but I knew that the main value of the MBA would be the extracurriculars, and what I make of it. I need to develop that plan. Maybe it will coalesce more as I see more clearly the opportunities of business school. But I need a white page design of what I am after in the first place. Something to think on. The Jesuits would be proud.
I've heard before the power of written goals. Bill Clinton swore by them. I like his first one: "Be a good man." I endeavor to do the same.
I believe the last time I wrote goals it got me to approximately this point. I got into the MBA program I wanted, I got a girlfriend, I got a better job. They weren't the easiest to accomplish, but now I need to plan the next stage.
Got much better at job
Got top place in soccer league
Swam with whale sharks
Scuba dove with sharks
Moved 3 times
K quit her job
K worked at 2 startups and the food non-profit
Read ~24 books
K lost 15 lbs
J lost 10 lbs
J incorporated his business
J got into business schools
K graduated from Grad School
K took the GMAT
5 new states and 1 new country for Kathryn
K met my whole family and my Ohio friends
K and I started playing tennis
I golfed 0 times
I got Diamond at Hilton and Gold at United
Great year in the stock market >30%
Won awards at work
B and KO bought places
Dear Mrs. D,
Wow. I was meaning to write a letter thanking you for your retirement, and the years have flown by. I hope you are happily enjoying your retirement now. Tr brings it up from time to time (I think he has an automatic reminder set to bring it up) and I have always wanted to write it. I still treasure my memories of those growing up. I have since moved to Virginia and California, and am enjoying my life and my career out here, but I still talk with N, A, Th, and I see Trent weekly. I got to see Mrs. W a few years ago. She had lived close to me and we finally met up for drinks over Cinco de Mayo and had a blast discussing life, careers, and relationships. Th and K were getting married that summer. They are close to completing their house now.
Their building plans reminded me of really enjoying building our castles, and the variety of projects we had. I had one where I designed a train that ran on magnets instead of rails so it would be more efficient. It’s been built! I often play board games on Monday nights in a store in San Francisco with Tr. I still like being clever and coming up with a solution before someone else. That’s certainly a part I enjoy about my job as an engineer: I get to put all the pieces together and figure out ways we can get around problems with other products. I’m in sales engineering, and I won a project by putting a slower high-torque screw into a high speed actuator to get a cross between the two that fit the customer’s needs perfectly. Nothing off the shelf that my company or our competitors would work. I always enjoyed playing Stories with Holes, and Seventh Guess. I liked the stumpers that Mrs. E would give us to see how many days it would take us to figure out. I like hearing new riddles now and always smile to myself when it’s one I know the answer to because of working through so many during those years. Oregon Trail has become a joke for some of my friends; apparently the game is not so hard to beat with a modicum of preparation and precaution. We just always brought as many bullets as we could and inevitably died to a broken axle or dysentery. What a fantastic game. Photography was a really neat session where we got to run around and discover what was entertaining and exciting for others. I still have a picture hanging on my door in Cincinnati that N took and developed. He is now getting his doctorate in Art History.
I am now working for X, at one of their companies – X, selling X. I really enjoy it. I’m trying not to work too hard, and juggle a life and a girlfriend. I want to get my MBA maybe this year or next year. I got into every school into which I applied this year, except Berkeley. I’m still waiting to hear back from them for the fall semester. I continue to play soccer on a rec league, and hang out with Trent and his girlfriend on a regular basis. Sunday we had a late brunch, made mimosas, then went to dinner and discussed women’s role in business. We also made it to the Pacific Ocean two blocks from his house and were giddy to have gone West. Our girlfriends were cold and wanted to go back inside.
My friends from those years are still some of my strongest friends. The person I wanted to be then strongly shapes who I try to become now. I try to be mentally challenged, have good friends, and do interesting and important work. I’m still trying to find the balance between being very accomplished at work, and having an important identity and life outside of work. I hear it’s always a balance. But I am having fun figuring it out. Thank you so much for the fun memories and the strong foundation. I feel very lucky in life and realize I have my parents and teachers growing up to thank for it. And you were there for four of my most important years, and getting me moved up in Math. My girlfriend now was two years up in math. I still wonder how she swung that. Thanks again,
Haven't been here for awhile.
I've cut some things out of my life, in the goal that it will leave time for a few more things that I would like to get to. Energy continues to be a precious resource though. Had a great weekend
Brunch with good friends on Saturday. Seeing a new place that I might like to live.
Took a much needed nap with my girlfriend rubbing my back.
Going out with some friends to a hip new bar in San Francisco and catching up with good peeps.
Sleeping in after a bit of a hangover and some good breakfast
Get to play and sign with a fantastic soccer game, even though I really need to raise my game to be an asset. Fitness and ball touch to get worked on.
Had a good work call, and commit just a little bit. It's tough to get everything done for work, but taking a little personal time to do it makes me feel a lot better. I'm still getting a handle on balance and allocating time to what is most important to me.
Business school still looms as an unknown. I've been waitlisted for the MBA of my choice and for the soccer team of my choice. I'm good, but I'm up against the best. But I made it to soccer on the reserve list. It sucks to be hanging in limbo and not succeeding, but I guess I've come a long way. I guess it feels rough to get told 'no', you aren't good enough. That's not what I believe about myself. It's very tempting to chuck it and give up. Pride. But its weird to check my ego and continue to make a fool of myself because that's the only way forward. The job too, I need to be much better. But I'm in the league.
Alrighty. Peace. Time for other projects.
Not sleepy. Want to work. Not so much to do until business hours again. Would love to go for a run.
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"Life is the crucible." -Durzo Blint
Life has been pretty stressful recently. New job demanding the world right now. Trying to impress grad schools. Deciding where to go to grad school. Soccer tryouts. Girlfriend. Cruise. Friends. It's been tough balancing it. Today at soccer I just moved the ball too soon every time. I was so jumpy and jittery. I want to be cool under pressure, but I was anything but. It's good to know it is only mental, and I can improve, but it feels like a pressure cooker. And I want to some decently hard schools and whatnot, but I don't remember being stressed like this. Busy and exhausted yes, but not so much pressure on me from internal and external.
Here's to 2013. I think I should do just fine.
Depressed. On dreams not getting realized. For others and for me. Goodnight.
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For the first time, I'm not convinced that working more will help me succeed more. For one, I don't know if I can work much more. I'm working as much as my energy sustainably allows, and I'm busy the rest of the time too. I keep being mad I can't fit in more work, but it just doesn't fit. And I cant work too much smarter, even though I always can. And I'm at a pretty good spot in life, so I'm not so very hungry for something else. I have a job I enjoy, I live in San Francisco, I have a fair income, and a good girlfriend, and good friends. Everything I try to get more of, I have to give up something else i cherish. I can devote to being more present, and cutting out waste, but there isn't a lot to cut. I think I'm in a sweet spot in life, and I ride it. I continue to do good work, but I'm here. I always want something to strive and sacrifice for, but i don't have that now. But things could always get busier.
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