It's been an odd night. Nostalgic even. I can hardly believe I've posting on my livejournal. Even the name is dated. That's what I have a girlfriend for, to discuss these things. The cold weather of Seattle makes me feel industrious. Mesmerized. It brings back resoundingly all the childhood things I ran from growing up. Winters, bullies, fears of growing to be inconsequential.
Add in to that, a rap video about competing macroeconomic theories, and I feel the gulf between what I do and truly changing the face of the world. I love my job. I like it very much. It's not exactly what I set out to do. And to even be the type of person, with the right training, and the right connections, to play on that field is withering. As awesome as I am, I don't know if I can ever cut it.
Add in to that a single strong beer and some awesome pizza, and I have a night for reflection. I have been too busy to reflect. Which is wasteful. How many webcomics do I need to read? Why can't I just sit in solace on my public transportation commute and think. That's what got me through junior high. I miss Ohio.
The competing theories don't even have a resolution. Know one knows, and persuade convincingly, what we should do in this economic situation. How am I to help? What is even the end goal? Total democracy and equality? Impossible. Peace between all nations? Not as they exist today.
The things that drove me as a child still exist. But then I was a true believer. I believed that by studying hard, and being clever, I could fix things and make the world a better place. But the things I know now root us in where we are. I'm not sure those goals are even applicable any more. I wanted to be Alexander the great and a ninja. I had no idea how the complex world around me worked. My guesses at what I could do were based in vapors. I hate being a cynic. It is the thing about me I hate the most. And I love me quite a bit. I would venture far more than most people love themselves. But I don't see any way around it. The data is the data.
Peace. I also don't like these nights alone. They may in the end be good for me, but they are tough for me.